TTR - 2020 Prelogue

“How is it that the ultimate prize in the most macho sport ever invented is a piece of jewelry?”

- Ali from Draft Day (no she doesn’t have a last name)

Thursday, May 8th, 2014…a day where lives are changed, fates are decided, dynasties are born, and the clock is always ticking…one man wakes up with a plan. That man was Sonny Weaver Jr and despite a whirlwind day he stuck to his plan, sprinkled it with fairy dust, wished upon a star, and somehow turned it into not one, not two, but three potentially impactful players for his team. He took a chance and went with his gut and took his guys.

Every ManChild prepares for Draft Day differently. Some pour over stacks of data, some pour more Titos, some grab the Lanolin. Whatever you do to prepare, you probably come into the day with a plan. Undoubtedly, your plan will require some mid-draft adjustments or, more than likely, some mid-draft shots (or lube) to numb the pain of watching your plan go to shit. I took some time from my own preparations to look back into ManChild’s past and discovered some disturbing trends. If you want to have the worst possible ManChild draft do these things, a round-by-round guide.

1st round - Draft #1 overall. Never in the history of ManChild has the #1 overall pick finished the season as the #1 overall fantasy player and only once has that player finished #1 at his respective position (Antonio Brown in 2016 finished as WR1, #8 overall). Yes, you get your pick of the entire player pool, but it’s a long wait until you get another player to help offset the risk of that first choice.

2nd round - Select last year’s wet dream QB. Never has the first QB off the board (5 times out of 6 selected in the 2nd round of the draft) finished the season as the QB1. Only once has the first QB picked returned a top-5 finish at the position. Lamar Jackson anyone?

3rd round - Reach for the sexy name on all the analysts’ lips. Montee Ball, Andre Ellington, Justin Forsett, Thomas Rawls, Terrell Pryor, Lamar Miller, are just some of the clowns drafted in ManChild 3rd rounds. Don’t get fancy, it’s too early to go with a gut feeling. Also, this is a good time for nap #1, especially if you picked #1 or #2 overall.

4th round - Utter the name: D’Onta Foreman, here are a few words from the “40 Facts About ManChild”. D’Onta Foreman and Devonta Freeman are two different people. If you draft D’Onta Foreman, inadvertently or otherwise, you will find yourself in the Huevo Bowl.

5th round - Draft your 2nd RB. If you’ve waited this long for a second RB you’re probably employing some cute, exotic draft strategy. There is only one thing that should be described as cute and/or exotic at a ManChild draft and it has very little to do with football.

6th round - Take a 2nd tier TE. Look I get it everyone needs a TE, but it rarely works out at this point in the draft. Gary Barnidge, Jordan Cameron, Martellus Bennett, Virgil Green, Trey Burton, Delanie Walker…any of these guys win you your league lately…didn’t think so.

7th round - Select ANY D/ST. I don’t care if it’s the ’85 Bears, the ’00 Ravens, or the ’02 Buccaneers, no D/ST is worth taking in a round that doesn’t have double digits. This mistake alone won’t cost you your season, but it certainly won’t win it either. The last three #1 D/STs all went undrafted (2019 Patriots, 2018 Bears, and 2017 Jaguars).

8th round - Select ANY kicker. This is the average round when the first kicker has been taken off of the board since 2014. Seriously, what the fuck guys!?! Only once since 2014 have the top-20 kickers been separated by more than 4 points (2017, when Greg Zuerlein out kicked the #2 kicker by a whopping 2.2 points per game, the only time in this span that the difference between #1 and #2 has exceeded even 0.7 ppg).

At this point, the league generally takes a break. You could use this time to grab a smoke (if a balcony isn’t included in the draft), gamble a bit, and/or take a nap. Just make sure you return in time for your next pick. In any case, your starting skill positions and QB are most likely settled and we’re off to back ups and flyers. It doesn’t matter much what you do in rounds 9-15. Sometimes you score big and find an impact player in the latter rounds, 2019 Austin Ekeler, RB7 (drafted in the 9th), 2018 Patrick Mahomes, overall #1 (drafted in the 10th), and 2015 Tom Brady, overall #2 (drafted in the 11th). However, by and large these picks are more Triple Zero Roulette than Blackjack. That being said, Rounds 9-15 are much like gambling…better with drinks.

Sláinte, you pancake-eating motherfuckers!

ALL HAIL MANCHILD!

0.5 Commish, OUT!