TTR - Kommish NOte

You beautiful drunk degenerate bastards.  Schools no longer in session and what did we learn this year?  Wes is a degenerate, tinkering is genetic in the Hampson clan, and people’s alcohol tolerance does not get better with age.  Did anyone one learn how to draft better, time will tell but this large domed analyst says there is a family pack of Taco’s this year.

Last year I said Damn the Fantasy Pros analysis and I was right.  Karma of course puts me top ranked via FP rankings but fuck that. I defer to my mantra of ignant statements so without further ado, LGI baby.

KIMCHI SLAP-A-HOE

Odds To Win – 3:2

What the fuck were we thinking choosing a draft order game that favored the genetically lucky gambler.  Slotted at #1, he took #1.  Repeating his Steeler love he shat on his Leveon hard on and picked smart with the beast that is Antonio Brown setting himself up for a smooth and sexy roster.  Small holes if his RB core is plagued with P90X fatigue, old age, and the constant failure of a homer pick known as the “Melvin Gordon”.  Dree Brees in round 5 was a stellar grab you lucky fuck.  May injuries plague you and your trade Jewness leave you with a shit roster by playoffs.

EL GORDO SERPIENTE IN MI PANTALONES

Odds To Win: 3:1

Drafting Mexican Juarez Cartel style, the smallest of three Mexicans (yes he is the smallest), somehow silently drafted a respectable team including D-MAC Murray, #1 RB this year in the 4th (Fuck you all).  Lamar Miller in a new suitable offense, sexy WR’s ODB and Cobb?  Rookie move in the 9th drafting a retired player following an 8th round pick of Antonio “My toe fell off” Gates.  QB tandem of Big Ben and The Ginger should keep those points respectable this year.  Impending threat of winning a championship will kick out one of his family members maybe the only deterrent to a championship this year. But fuck it Mexican Cartels are ruthless like that.

“YOU WANT TO GO TO WAR BALAKAY?!!!!!”

Odds To Win – 2:1

Bring it in Week 1.  Passed out and in a coma with one eye open, last minute decisions was the phenom strategy this year.  PPR change led to AP before Gurley this year? Sexy combo of Cooper and Cooks as his WRs. Big stumble in the 5th with Dion Lewis and big chance on Josh Gordon but has some value in 6th.  Never before has he drafted 2 QBs in a draft.  Has he changed his ways or did the sweet tones of Mother Jameson whisper advice in his ear?  Round 14 saw another victim of his drunken stupor by taking Jeff Janis.  Initial look said shit draft, but after review, somehow someway the cock eyed Asian put together a threat but we’ve seen this before... 0-10.

THE BIG SHIT SHOWSKI

Odds To Win – 8:1

The masses voted for a hammered draft and this team delivered and thusly this self-proclaimed “analysts” plan imploded in a two-step recovery program.  Taking the #4 spot in the draft with the #2 pick and wasting it on Elliott over Gurley, Hopkins, Jones, Johnsons, Robinson, and 15 other better picks.  Brady in the 4th, was it early?  Enter the crickets...... Solid WR1with B-Marsh but Fitz and Hurns as your backups?  Where the shit do you pull this draft advice?  Post draft tinkering to come for sure but nothing will save this shit show from another mediocre performance.

WANK IN MY SLIT AND LOOK AT MY TITS

Odds To Win - 3:2

As his drafts get better, his partying gets worse.  Dangerously close to beating Rich’s 2015 total time of public appearance, put up a solid 6 rounds of respectability.  Rounds 11 & 12, almost demolished his props with scooping up Homo and a suspended kicker.  Lack of writing utensils and paranoia of picking a selected player and taking Jameson shots reflect in some panic picks in the late rounds.  Jordan Matthews... Failure in life and still has Crapford throwing to him.  Lay off the ganja next year and pack a pen instead of XS small t-shirts.  Still the 5th spot has won it two years straight, could be karma calling for his 2nd title in three years.  Next year’s draft party is going to be expensive…. FML.

BRO-TEIN SHAKE

Odds To Win - 3:1

Fuck you all, I like second place.  My draft is god damn sexy and injury free.  

THE CUT-BAIT AND RUN

Odds To Win - 9:1

Penalty shots rained on this manager like a porn video’s money shot. Early Jameson shots out of a soda lid fucked him up after round 5.  Super reach on the Bell pick before David Johnson, who needs to win in the first four weeks right?  Not this guy but ask the Slaps how that worked out for them last year.  Two tight ends in 5, and 6?  Fuck it, I’ll just pick shit from the bed for the rest of the draft.  Where is my Devonte this year... Ok Paul Perkins! Who?  Symbolism is a bitch, and like your lost wallet, your playoff position is gone as well mijo.  Hope the gangbang was reward enough for you to come back again.

I GOT NO PRAYER

Odds To Win - 15:1

It’s bad enough to share the same DNA with the cluster fuck that is Taylor but to take draft advice from him as well?  We got our Taco gents.  Jones in round 1, your welcome, Seattle D in the 7th, good call (insert sarcasm). How the fuck does Zach Ertz get drafted two years in a row before the 6th round?  Gio, good luck fat boy, Rawls, hope you like watching Wilson steal your TDs.  Landry... god speed any Miami offense this year.  Youngest in the league did not show wisdom equaling the old shits we are.  Prediction of early bail out and possible open spot next year.  

HAIL MARRY HARD WAYS AND HORN BETS

Odds To Win – NO ODDS, VEGAS DOESN’T EVEN WANT THE ACTION

If your wife beating you in FF wasn’t inspiration enough to become a draft king, I don’t know what the hell happened here.  Gostkowski in the 7th, auto pick in the 8th, shit RBs, Karlos Williams (OUT) in the 11th, Defense in the 10th... So much shit.  Did we get confused about each week is an 8-man roster not 5?  Was the ridicule from last year not enough to inspire some semblance of strategy?  Never mind I get it, craps was your weekend master, so why not crap shoot your draft also. And yes, karma is not on your side with the “Powell-Gate” scandal.  

DIRTY DICK’S BOTTOM BITCH

Odds To Win - 25:1

Fuck you must like pink trophies.  CJ as your top RB, have you not learned the punishment of the CJ curse.  If you mail Leveon one of your dildo sized blunts, Williams in the 5th will make you look like a genius.  Entire roster looks like #2s and backups.  Brock Eisweiler as your sole QB.  No Kicker and No Defense…. Good God it’s shitty.  Mic Drop.

ROCK OUT MY WIFE LET ME OUT

Odds To Win: 2:1

I like it.  How the shit did David Johnson fall to you in the 11th pick?  Jordy didn’t die for you this year so I hate you.  Forte will still put up his numbers and great value in the 3rd.  Great PPR grabs with Woodhead and Moncrief.  TE sucks but you made up for it.  “Ride or Die” with my boy Mariota #1 QB this year.  Fuck you Titan haters.  Playoffs should be a gimme this year in that shit show division.  Backups and bye weeks may be your undoing.

AZ TUNA CUNT PUNTERS

Odds To Win - 8:1

Could be a ploy to swap trophies next year or just mentally exhausted from carrying 20 lbs. of sliders to the draft.  Mind games aplenty.  Where was the Denny’s draft with hookers and where was the spiral notebook with a repeat championship draft?  Confusion started wanting the 12th spot like a fat kid wants syrup on everything.  QB, WR combo in the 1st makes sense, D Thomas in the 3rd without knowing who’s throwing to him… early reach.  Stewart and the Carolina D before the 8th, ride or die with the Panthers eh?  Hate Ryan Matthews before Gordon, Forsett and Gore.  He sucked at SD and at Philly.  Chris Ivory in the 8th great grab.  No sleepers in the last five rounds.  Only sure thing is playing me in the finals guarantees a repeat championship.