TTR - Week 1

To my drunk and lonely degenerates, I have composed a bit of poetry for the momentous occasion that is Week 1 of the NFL season. 

To bet, or not to bet—that is the question:

Whether ’tis nobler in the wallet to suffer

The upsets and heartbreaks of outrageous spreads,

Or to take arms against a sea of parlays,

And by abstaining end them. To wager—to hedge—

No more; and by a bet to say we end

The pain, and the thousand losses

That fans are heir to—’tis a risk

Devoutly to be wished. To live bet—to double down—

To double down—perchance to cash out—ay, there’s the rub,

For in that final whistle, what chaos may come,

When we have tossed off our entire bankroll,

May we hit the bar. 

Remember this brothers, when all your shitty parlays go worthless. When all you prop bets get injured and when fucking J.J. McCarthy won't throw the ball to Justin Jefferson. Amen

The Price is Wrong Bitch! Vs. 2 Flushes - Winner: Price

Well fuck me sideways, everything that could possibly go wrong did. It was 99% Andrew winning after Thursday night. If only I had plumbed the dark web for information pertaining to Xavior Worthy's injury and AJ Brown's severe underusage, I would have known not to draft them. The same elite intel that Commish used to ride all the way to the Jobu league. But I'm not bitter. No, I'd like to congratulate Andrew on his first GOATs win, may it be his last. I'm choosing to believe I got all my bad luck out of the way in Week 1. 

Catalina Wine Mixon vs. Brevor's Better Half - Winner: Mixonless Mixon

Brett was primarily concerned with CMC and his health and CMC turned out to be his highest scorer. He should have been worried about the shit that occupied every other spot on his roster. I don't know how someone could watch the last few games of Sam Darnold, especially his playoff game, and come to the conclusion that you should start him in the Year of Our Lord 2025. He doesn't even have a backup. It's okay though, he's got the Micah Parsons'-less Cowboys on the bench. Mahomes apparently took his draft ADP personally and showed up. Thankfully the Chiefs lost, but he gave his fantasy owners something to be happy about. Brandon won by default. 

Kirko' 2 Canes vs. Boobie Miles High Club - Winner: Trevan

Despite Josh Allen dicking down the entire city of Baltimore, Trevan needed a J.J. to J.J. touchdown to seal it. Boobie Miles High Club is by far the better name though. Both teams had some questionable starts. Starting rookie RJ Harvey over known producer ETN when ETN was playing the Panthers is certainly a choice. Whichever one of you (Travis) who wanted to start ETN and was overruled by the other one (Evan) should feel vindicated. The Panthers still suck, even more so on defense. Speaking of teams that suck, the Patriots absolutely blow. Isn't it interesting that "blow" and "suck" mean the same thing? #JustUsEnglishNerds.  Anyway, I was not at all impressed with Rhamondre last year and his team is arguably worse this year. He got outscored by (checks notes) Braelon Allen. Do better 0.5. 

Vonmeez4prez vs. Boys II Manchild - Winner: Jason

Not a great week for the reigning Champ. His fantasy team shits the bed AND he's too hung over to miss the Week 1 meetup. Haha, what kind of loser would miss that meeting? Certainly not this author. Hopefully you didn't get kicked out of another room in the process.  In an absolute nail-biter, Jason beat out Chris. He got strong performances from Justin Fields, Chubba Hubba, and Dylan Sampson. The last of which I just learned is a player. It is funny that Justin Fields kept feeding Garrett Wilson, which must have frustrated both owners. It would have been even funnier if Jay started Zay Flowers and we had the same thing going the other way. Que Serra, Serra.

Denmark Dream vs. No Rum for Jobu - Winner:  Trevor

First of all, depriving Jobu of rum is cruel and feels like something the villain of a Christmas movie would do to Santa.  Second of all, there's actually an ancient practice called "prima noctis" where it was legal for the kings of medieval Europe to have sexual relations with a young woman on her wedding night, before the groom got to her. That's kinda what King Henry did to you T. Goods. He dropped a steaming hot 30 points on your chest and then fucked your fantasy chances away. Welcome to the fucking show. 

John Wick's Dogs vs. Kupp Check - Winner Kupp Check

Be careful what you wish for I guess. Zak was the most vocal proponent of eliminating payouts for weekly high scores and well, here we are. It turns out karma is spelled J-O-B-U. Or something, I teach Math, not English. Led by perennial bad boy Baker Mayfield and Star Wars side character Emeka Egbuka, Zak was able to lead Josh on his first step back to the Jobu. Don't worry buddy, I'm probably joining you this year. If only Josh had made the obvious choices of starting the white J.J. and Brazilian Legend Quentin Johnson...he still would have lost. Fantasy football is so mean sometimes. Also, I should note because I hate myself, Zak had 1.1 and chose Bijan over Chase and this week it was absolutely the right choice. If I have to shit on Zak, I'd say you better hope your starters survive because your bench is uhh, not great. 

Jobu League - Winner: No one

You're all losers, but you already know that. I highly doubt your "special" write-up featured poetry. Git Rekt.

Worst Team

QB: S. Darnold - 6.9

RB: Pacheco - 3.8

RB: R. Stevenson - 3.7

WR: X. Worthy - 0

WR: AJ Brown - 1.3

FLEX: M. Golden - 2.6

TE: M. Andrews - 1

K: Gay - 3

DEF: Eagles - 2

TOTAL: 24.3

I am so happy that football is back. I'm never taking another Thursday Night Browns @ Titans game for granted ever again. I'm theoretically happy that fantasy is back, because now it gives me something to yell at besides my students. 

ALL HAIL MANCHILD