TTR - Week 14

That is a wrap on the regular season. It's all ogre. You see fantasy football teams are a lot like ogres. That is, they're a lot like onions. You need them more than you'd think and they make you cry like a bitch when you touch them. Some of you are lost in the swamp of the Jobu bowl, like Shrek. Others of you are now kings of your own castles, like Shrek at the end of the movie. Either way, you're all big and smelly and your best friend is an ass. 

Kupp Check vs. Boyz II ManChild: Winner Kupp Check

Is Zak's team good? Has he actually turned his team 360 degrees around and is now walking towards the light? Gone are the days of making jokes about dolphins being hunted, now we live in a time where Zak's magic Pachinko Machine will bring him great fortune. Zak finishes with a respectable 8-6 record in a tough division, which was good enough for the 6 seed. Like Shrek, he too will need the help of his animal companions, the dolphins, and the Cheetah. Zak will play Jeff in round 1. Jason, despite getting soundly defeated will end up with the #5 seed, being a full game ahead of Zak. I would say he was resting his guys for this one, but Nix was the only starter on bye and Kyler put up a respectable fantasy total. Just like Shrek, Jason has to defeat a small, angry man if he wants to get past round 1. 

Brevor's Better Half vs. THE DAWG: DAWGS4LIFE

Woof, woof woof woof woof, woof? Woof woof woof BARK BARK BARK. Woof woof woof. BARK BARK, growl. Woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof. Grrr bark bark grrrrr. Bark, woof woof, BITE. Sorry, I usually don't use that much profanity, but I felt it called for it. Josh will play Angel in the first round of the Jobu bracket. Brett now has the opportunity to do the funniest thing. First to break off and go solo, then to pull off the trade of the year BEFORE the draft, then to make the playoffs, then to play Trevan week 1. You better start believing in ogre stories, because you're in one! 

Kirko' 2 Canes vs. VonMeez4Prez: Winner Kirko

Josh Allen was THIS | | close to winning it for you boys...Oh wait, no, that was last week. Josh Allen did Josh Allen things and won this week single handedly. No one else on Trevan's team got more than 16 points. Trevan finishes with the best record in the league and the winner of the Best Friend Regular Season Bowl. Will Trevan continue their dominance or, just like Fiona, will this beautiful team turn into an ogre? With the King on bye, Godzilla had to do it alone this week. Fortunately, The Charmin Man was an excellent placeholder. With 34 points Charmin Man was the high scorer for the team. Unfortunately, CD Rom couldn't close out the W on Monday night. With Shrek and Donkey back together next week, Brandon is going to have a rough round 1. 

Razor Bearclaw Stinger vs. The Bed Wrestlers: Winner RBS

JJ is back! Jefferson heard Kirk was back in town so he decided to put on a show. The nearly 30-point performance led Jeff over Garett. I also allowed Jeff to take advantage of me in my vulnerable state. I had 5 people on bye and needed to win this week. Jeff had the division locked up and could use an upgrade. Sometimes things happen. Jeff now has some fresh legs and heads into a round 1 match-up with Zak. Just don't be ogre-confident. Garrett needed this W to stay in the GOATs. That unfortunately did not happen. The Pickens goose egg is the obvious stand-out. However, it would have taken a major reshuffling for Garrett to win this one. The irony is though, in a battle of ideal lineups. Garrett wins by less than 1 point. Garrett faces Cory next week in the Jobu bracket. Hopefully, we see some good mud-slinging. 

Puka Nacua Matata vs. The Bad Hombres: Winner Puka

In a potential Jobu Bowl matchup, Angel has his best performance of the season. With all the drama Guerendo caused, he at least scored a ton of points. Joe Burrow absolutely went the fuck off on Monday night. Addison also took time off from his favorite hobby of booze-cruising to catch 3 touchdowns on the day. This explosion of offense sent Angel into the Thunderdome with a full head of steam. Despite both my team and Angel's team sucking ass all year, 6 wins is still greater than 5. Angel is hoping he can be swift like Puss N' Boots (another Shrek character) and evade obstacles on his quest to stay in GOATS. Despite Big Dick Darnold putting Old Man Kirk to shame, it wasn't enough to get the W and avoid the Jobu. Perhaps Jobu doesn't like people relocating and pushed a few of Jake Elliot's kicks in the wrong direction. Or Elliot sucks, pick your poison. Just like Lord Farquaad, Cory came up a little short at the end. He plays Garrett next week. 

Catalina Wine Mixon vs. 2 Flushes: Winner Wine Moms

I will happily wear my crown as the King of Shit Mountain. It's almost like a certain large, green humanoid who rules a giant swamp, and...okay fuck it, I can't keep up with the Shrek theme. I've said it 100 times, but it's better to be lucky than good and I'm definitely not good. In my defense though, I had the 2nd highest Points Against, so none of my 6 wins were easy. If Brett winning it all this year would be the funniest thing, then me falling ass-backward into the playoffs and winning it all would be the second funniest thing. I play Jason in round 1. Brandon finished off the year on a high note. I had hoped on Thursday that the Jayden Reed 0 would do it, but I forgot Ja'Marr Chase exists. Brandon gets Mixon and Sutton back next week and is going to need them in a round-one date with King Zilla. 

Jobu League

I have officially made the playoffs and therefore will stay in GOATs and shit on your entire existence for another full season. You're welcome. 

Worst Team

QB Williams 13.4

RB Bucky 2.3

RB Homer 2.6

WR Pickens 0 

WR Reed 0

FLEX Higgins 3.3

TE Dissly 2.9

K Grupe 0

D Bills 0

TOTAL: 24.5

How the fuck did the Bills Defense not get negative points? Also, it's funny that last night's game was on the SimpsonsCast and then Homer is here on the worst team. The regular season may be over, but we all have games to play next week, so don't forget to

ALL HAIL MANCHILD