TTR - Week 2

It's only week 2 but I feel like we're already in midseason form. The shit talking has increased, the gambling debt has increased, the CTE has increased and the injuries have increased. We're one epic rules argument away from really rounding out the season. It's beautiful to see. Unless you're 0-2, then you want to fucking jump off a bridge. 

John Wicks Dog vs. 2 Flush - The Dog Days are NOT over

I made a bold declaration last week that my bad luck was over after Week 1. I should know not to tempt Jobu like that, because he is a vengeful god and has humbled me greatly. Joe Burrow went out with a toe injury. He's out for weeks, if not the season depending on what the specialist says. Mark Andrews is also out, not because of injury, but because he's already a ghost on the field. No one sees him. He occasionally makes spooky noises, but no one cares. Jared Goff and Saquon Barkley were more than enough to finish me off. Pain. 

Kupp Check vs Swift On My Face - The Other Swift

Sometimes you're just Cooked. Hahaha, aren't I right my fellow Gen Zers? I'm just kidding. James Cook made Zak his bitch and the rest is pretty unremarkable. Wait, I have another line: Zak if only you had been snorting the Bocaine instead of the Cocaine, you would have won this week. Damn this shit writes itself sometimes. Zak, you have a number of problems, scoring under 90 points is your first problem, the other is that you have Tyler Allgeier who you will never start the week he goes off. I do want to give a special "fuck you" to Brandon for changing his name in-between weeks. Is that allowed? Can he get in trouble for this? Assuming it's legal just don't do it again, I have enough trouble writing this thing week-to-week. 

Brevor's Better Half vs. The Price Is Wrong Bitch - Narrator "The Price was indeed wrong"

Holy shit imagine losing to Brett, literally couldn't be me. I hope this is the start of some kind of Grue curse, where after you beat me, you lose embarrassingly. It's funny because if you watched Hard Knocks (which my girl loves, so I have to watch) you'd know that the Giants were AGONIZING over drafting Nabers or Odunze. Well the both went off this week, Nabers a little more. So the Giants' scouting was dead on, however their execution was dead off and they lost again this week. I was down on Nabers the whole draft and it turns out I was wrong. Also, Stafford scoring so much more than Jalen Hurts this week and possibly being the reason you lost is hilarious. Also, the Raiders suck, but you already knew that. Oh shit, I almost forgot, I dragged Brett so hard for playing Sam Darnold, and homeboy picked up Danny Dimes and this man is on another level right now. It turns out, all you have to do to be an elite NFL player, is to leave the NY Giants. 

BEST FRIEND BOWL - WINNER: CHRIS

We were all, uhh, less than intelligent for letting Chris draft both Saquon AND King Henry last year and we're just as stupid this year for letting him draft Brandon Aubrey. Justin Tucker walked (and possibly raped) so Brandon Aubrey could run. That last kick would have been good from fucking 80 yards out. What a weapon to have in the kicker slot. Him and the abysmal Chicago defense (allowing Sun God 35 points) are the difference in this very close matchup. Trevan, did I say your bench was not great last week? Because your bench is not great, this was the best possible lineup you could have made and you still lost. 

Cam Little Caesars - Wet and Ready vs. No Run For Jobu - Jeff takes it

I like when people read my reports and then bench people I say should be benched and then they go off on the bench, that's very funny to me. Such is what happened to Rhamondre Stevenson. Although, all that would have done is made the game slightly less close. This matchup was an absolute blowout without JTT's musical reprise of "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".  JT is obviously Simba, Kyler Murray is Zazu, Tyreek Hill is a cheetah, and the rest of the team is trampled by wildebeests. You GenX and Elder Millennials will get that one. Also, fuck you 0.5, you changed your name too? Is this going to be a weekly thing? I already check back and forth across my 5 different tabs to make sure I have the right owner with the right team. What the fuck? 

Denmark Dream vs. Boys II Manchild - It's a wet dream!

Oh Jason, sweet, sweet Jason, you trusted a Jets QB in the year of our Lord 2025. Do you not know the lore? Have you not heard of the Butt Fumble of 20 ought 12? There's a lot of famous sports curses: the Curse of the Bambino, the Curse of Billy Goat, the Madden Curse, and the most famous of all: the Cleveland Sports Curse. None of those compare to the Jobu-forsaken territory of the New York Jets. Let this be a lesson. Wait, you don't even have a backup, what the fuck? Maybe I won't be the Jobu. Trevor, whichever one you are, congrats on your first GOATs win. You fielded a solid starting lineup. Let it be the last win this season.

Rudy League

I could very well be joining your ranks soon, but that day has not yet come, sucks to suck. 

Worst Team

QB: Fields 4.25

RB: JCM 1.70

RB: Henry 2.3

WR: Sutton 1.1

WR: Harrison 3.7

FLEX: Jones 2.3

TE: Andrews 0.9

K: Lutz 3

DEF: Colts 2

TOTAL: 21.25

It's a long season, remember that, the draft is NOT destiny. With that being said, I would maybe start looking for some trades, rapes or otherwise. I look forward to your barely coherent ramblings in the chat. 

ALL HAIL MANCHILD.