TTR - Week 5

"Nothing but a Fantasy"

I study stats like sacred text, Yards per carry, targets, next— I whisper prophecies in chat, But all my logic ends up flat.

Thursday hope, by Sunday gone, My lineup burns beneath the dawn. Experts preach "pick up this guy", The winning column he does deny

I start the “sleeper,” feel the thrill— He nets me two, and my hopes kill Traded a god who drops thirty-five. The joke’s on those who feel alive.

No edge, no fate, no plan divine, Just pixels bleeding through the line. In truth, we’re dust with draft recaps— Kings and clowns in matching apps.

So set your lineup, pray, despair— The god Jobu don’t even care. And when the winnings fade away, Nothing mattered. Happy Sunday.

2 Flushes vs. No Rum For Jobu - You fucking know the answer

Ah shit, here we go again. You thought you could fucking trade you short bus rider? HAHAHA, holy shit let's see how that turned out? You sent: Javante, Jamaar Chase (WTF???) and you got back Garrett Wilson and Dobbins. Oh my God this is unbelievable. AND this was during the week you played against Chase?? How much Tylenol did your mother chug? Chase: went off, Javante: went off (like he has all year). Dobbins: got stuffed. Wilson: LOLJETS. Wait, you have not one, but two players on the fucking Jets??? You are the most bread-dead, glue-sniffing, mongoloid to ever own a fantasy team. This is like rocking up to the blackjack table and playing "no busts". Just the worst plan imaginable. To absolutely no one's shock you lost. Did you know the Titans won this week? I know you did because you bet against them in Survivor. HAHAHA, but don't fret yet. You have a chance at greatness, yes, you can break two league records this year. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Grats Trevor I guess. 

Kirko 2 Canes v. Vonmeez4Pres - Champ wins again

That's a nice, shiny new Javante Williams you have there, how'd you get that guy? I bet you scammed some moron. You also got a nice boost from a season high game from Kareem Hunt, I'm sure that is enjoyable to watch. Even better that the Chiefs still lost. Broncos defense continues to be elite, shitting on the Eagles. Your whole team is pretty set, except Geno obviously. That's you though, you picked a Raider's player as a Broncos fan. Trevan you did everything right and you still lost. All your scheming was meaningless, meaningless and chasing after the wind. 

Cam Little Caesars vs. Swift on my Face - HOT AND READY

So Brandon, I have a lot of questions, You do know we have IR slots right? Why is Austin Ekeler just chilling on your bench? Why did you start Justice Hill? Is it because he had one touchdown last week? Why do you have 3 Chiefs on your team? Are you a big Taylor Swift fan? What did you think of her last album? Would you rank above or below Lover? Are you used to guys cumming Swiftly on your face? Try harder next time. Jeff, your team finally fired on all cylinders, and by that I mean that you correctly picked up and played Rico Dowdle. The rest of your team isn't exactly inspiring.  But hey, you also have Michael Carter and Rhamondre Stevenson. That makes 3 shitty RBs on shitty teams who remain fantasy relevant due to usage. At least LaPorta did a flip into the end zone. 

Denmark Dream vs. Price is wrong Bitch! - Price is right

Jobu rewards those who pay their debts. Your lunch with Brett may have carried you JUST enough favor to eke out a win this week. Or it was T. Goods keeping Shaheed on the bench, who's to say? What's interesting is that 4 players scored 12 points and Charmin Ultra Soft almost did too. Perhaps it's a sign of Jobu's favor. Or it's meaningless, just like all fantasy football, and life itself. Happy Tuesday. T. Goods I mean obviously starting Jamo over Shaheed lost you the game, but look on the bright side: everyone dies eventually. 

Boys 11 Manchild vs. Brett - The Boys Season 2

Congrats Jason you started the only viable Jet. I would know, I started two of them. Your entire team really contributed this week. The obvious exception is Bhayshul Tuten. He was sure tooten out there on the field! Haha! You also fell for the Blake Corum hype. Look, Kyren Williams could fumble the ball on the goal like 17 more times and McVay is STILL going to trot him out there. Corum is a meme. Brett, I've given you shit for this before, you can't start guys who are ruled out. Wait, Zach Ertz was NOT ruled out, he just put up a goose egg. Wait, didn't I have Zach Ertz earlier? Oh Brett, you've done something much worse than start a player who didn't play, you took my sloppy seconds. Look where it got you. You also missed out on the fun of the Stefon Diggs revenge game. Not that it would have mattered too much, your entire roster is mid. 

It's a doggy dog world

Josh is back in the GOATs this year and on a revenge tour. Kryen Williams and Jackson Smith Enigma lead his team to week high. Too bad there's no money in it because we voted that out. Democracy has failed you. It's unfortunate for Zak that we're not in a PPA league. Points Per Aura. Baker was an absolute baller this weekend and doing it in the throwback jerseys was just peak (as the kids say). You also got a massive performance from Egbuka, who besides having a beast of a name put on another beastly performance. But you still lost because fantasy football, like life, is unfair and we just sit on the mortal coil and toil away in our pointless pursuits waiting for the sweet embrace of the grave. Or something like that, better luck next week. 

Worst Team

QB: Geno 10.2

RB: Marks 2.4

RB: Hill 1.7

WR: Jamo 1.5

WR: Godwin 4.1

TE: Ertz 0

FLEX: Tuten 1.6

K: Shrader 2

D: Rams 2

TOTAL: 25.5

As you sit and ponder your lineups, your trade rapes, and your parlays, remember this one thing. This one thing that got me through this tough week. No matter how bad things are right now. They can always get worse.

ALL HAIL MANCHILD.