TTR - Week 6

Loser Loser 

(to the tune of Sugar Sugar by the Archies)

Loser,

Oh failure failure,

You are a loser boy

Oh you got me tankin' bad

Loser, loser,

Ohh, I drafted wrong, boy,

Shoulda never picked AJ,

Now my season’s gone, oh boy!

You made my Sundays sad (so sad),Every lineup choice so bad (too bad),I’m zero and six, can’t catch a break,Even my kicker pulled a hamstring ache!

When I check the scores, I sigh (oh why),

Every player’s hurt or bye (oh why),

I started Wilson when he got one catch

And now he's injured and it's not a scratch.

Oh loser,

Oh failure failure, 

Can I get a win, oh please

Jobu you are just a tease

2 Flushes vs. Kupp Check - Yup, that's me, I bet you're wondering how I ended up like this

I can't do the bit anymore, it's equally exhausting as it is repetitive. Congrats Zak, you beat a winless team that scored 68 points. You should feel so proud of yourself. Bijan bailed you out of a truly embarrassing outcome. You started someone with a Star Wars name: Tyquan Thorton. He wasn't targeted and he has no future with Rice coming back. At least all my people who don't score any points get playing time. The only people on my team who scored double digits are Herbert and the kicker. Which is also the name of my Hootie and Blowfish cover band. Come see us at 10 PM on Thursday behind the dumpster at Wendy's. 

John Wick's Dog vs. Brevor's Better Half - Every dog has his/her/they day

We're continuing our theme of winners who started people who scored 0 points. Quentin Johnson though, unlike Zak's practice squad WR, didn't actually touch the field. This wasn't the London game Josh, you could have checked this one. Solid starts from JSN and Goedert lead Josh to victory over whatever pile of players Brett has. Brett, who was mad at me for calling his team mid, had 2 players who scored more than 7 points: Jones and Pickens. If 6 positions recording single digits isn't mid, I don't know what is, and trust me, I would know. Start getting used to this feeling. You started Kyle Fucking Pitts for God's sake!

Price is wrong Bitch! Vs. Boys II: The Sequel To Boys - BOYS BOYS BOYS

The thought of Andrew possibly joining me in the Rudy league brings me comfort. Honestly, you're too nice and that may be the death of you, unless you enjoy buying half the league lunch, then it's a good thing. Monday must have been particularly painful, watching Caleb Williams drop all those points and Rome Odunze only getting the scraps. It would have been even more embarrassing without a season high score by the Rams defense. Jason on the other hand got to yell and cheer for a plucky, underdog team with a big named quarterback known for losing games in the most embarrassing fashion. So exactly like being a Chargers fan. The Redskins taking the L on Columbus day seems fitting though. 

Taylor Swift vs. Denmark Dream - winner: America's Sweetheart

According to the internet Taylor Swift has a song called "CANCELLED!" on her new album (such creativity). This song is apparently about her friendship with Brittany Mahomes who got officially cancelled for liking a Trump Instagram post or something, I don't know. I try not to pay attention to things only girls and gays are interested in. Anyway, the only thing Mahomes understood is that some losers on the internet were mad at his wife, and he took that personally. He Swifted all over Trevor's face with 34 points, a season high. Keeping the internet theme going, 8chan (4chan's failson brother) put up 29 points in the hopes of saving T. Good's season, but it was in vain though. The other Swift put up 25 points on Monday night to seal the deal. Wait, is that the whole bit? Swift, Mahomes, and Kelce on the same team? Am I riding the slow bus on this? That's cool if so. Hope you win it all Brandon. 

Kirko 2 canes vs. Little Caesar's - NO ONE OUT-PIZZAS THE CAESAR

Jeff's team is 10/10 - no notes. First we have 1/2 of the New York Exciting Whites - Cam Skattebo, who watched 27 John Cena highlight videos and made 153 grilled cheese sandwiches in preparation to put every Philly fan on suicide watch. Do you know the Phillies season and the Eagles season ended on the same night the Flyers also lost? That's pretty fucking rad if you hate Philadelphia. Like I do. That's only part of the fun though, Rico Dowdle, who everyone counted out because you know LOLPANTHERS, has decided he wants a big contract on a winning team and he made Jerry World his personal litter box. Since Dowdle is black, I like to think of him as Guenhwyvar, who is the Drizzt Do'urden's famous panther from the Dungeons and Dragons novels from the early 2000s. Oh right, I'm a fucking nerd, never mind. The last part of Jeff's Perfect Team(tm) is the titular Cam Little who had NEGATIVE 2 points that week. This fucking rules. Sorry Trevan, you're as much a loser as you are unremarkable. Except starting the Browns for any reason ever, what the fuck?

Vonmeez4prez vs. No Rum for Jobu - Jobu always wins

I'd like to apologize for the monster I helped create. Henry, Taylor, and Chase are serious star power that put up 54 points this week. It's not entirely my fault though, Hunt, Coleman, and Javante shit the bed this week. We can't forget Chris having to start Geno Smith. I don’t know if you know this Chris but Geno plays on the Raiders and this wasn't even his lowest score of the season.  Trevor also got the help of 18 points from Eddy Pineiro, but he also had 17 points last week, so maybe we're all the short bus riders for not picking him up. Jobu is a cruel god. 

Worst Team

QB: Geno 11.7

RB: Haskins 2.8

RB: Judkins 3.6

WR: Q. Johnson 0

WR: T. Thornton 0 

TE: Pitts 3.3

FLEX: Sutton 2.2

K: Little - 2

D: Browns 0

TOTAL: 25.6

Just because I've resigned this season to the dung heap doesn't mean the rest of you should. Place those waivers, make those trades, for the love of God don't fall for the Kyle Pitts meme. There's still a lot of season, anything can happen (except for me winning a game)

ALL HAIL MANCHILD.