TTR - Week 9

Another year another golf tourney in the books. Had an absolute smashing time with you lads, cart misadventures notwithstanding. Congrats to Trevor, Brett, Matt, and Brandon on getting the Dub this year! The party house is establishing itself as a golf powerhouse. I know you all wanted a full write-up about the golf tournament, but that's not going to happen. You'll get a few highlights sprinkled throughout the TTR. The real purpose of this shit-talking essay is fantasy football.

Butt Plug vs. The Bed Wrestlers - Winner: Butt Plug

Welcome to Mr. Grue's wild ride. Boys, I've had scores in the 60s this season. It's WILD to me that I got a week high (including Rudy). I'm not sure what to say, my WR1, WR3, and T1 were all on bye and I crushed in scoring. My absolute REACH on QB put up 30 points and everyone else on the team (not you Henderson) understood the assignment. I've been really hard on my division because we were collectively tanking for half the season but that's NOT the case anymore. Unlike the Big 10 West, We Are Back! Garrett, you had to know that T. Swift was NOT going to drag her white girl ass to Germany in the winter to watch a football game. The results were disastrous. Kelce had the worst game he's played in in 3 years. You're on a downward spiral, we've all been there, I know you want to trade Kelce for some pieces, but I'd still hold on to him. Schulz is at his highest value and Kelce is at his lowest. Do with that information what you will.

The Bad Hombres vs. Boys II ManChild - Winner: Boys II ManChild

The King vs. The King of Shit Mountain. J takes advantage of a bye-week nightmare on Angel's part as his entire bench was out. Shocking that the Bills couldn't muster anything against the pathetic Bengals O-line. Tyler Higbee looks like roster neglect, but no, he actually put up a 0. The sad thing is that Cole Kmet would have swung the game in the other direction. Whatever caused you to make that decision, stop it. You aren't the only 6 win team anymore, you gotta watch out. J was mostly the beneficiary of Angel's team playing like garbage. Starting Bryce Younge was a...choice. The man has had one good and one okay week. I doubt you'll get away with playing him twice. I see you dumped one Tank for another. Tank Bigsby for Tank Dell, one of these Tanks is tanking, the other is going to war. With all 3 teams in our division winning again, you are no longer the King of Shit Mountain, you are the King of A Moderately Sized Hill.

Episode IV: A New Hope

Coming off not playing golf since the last ManChild Golf Tournament I was optimistic of my chances to tank another foursome. I got good and liquored up and went off to the lynx. Putting with a BBC is not easy, most of us have never felt such power between our legs before. Trevor however apparently handles BBCs on the regular as he went back-to-back on closest putt. With a team assembled for Maximum Vibes we headed out to the first hole. Blas, once again, single-handedly saved our bacon with some great shots before we all missed the putt for birdie. In a bit of foreshadowing, the 10/10 cart girl drove by sand said, "I'll be back later!" This would end up having the 2nd biggest impact of the day.

Kupp My Balls vs. MoBettaButta's - Winner: Kupp My Balls

It's ironic that Andy finally listened to me about Mattison and he has his best game of the year. Starting him wouldn't have been the difference, but it would have been close. Josh Allen and CD ROM continue their dominant streak but the rest of the team is ass. Sure Kittle being on bye didn't help Zak's entire bench was on bye. This was a unique opportunity for a W and you got an L. Zak, just like you were reluctant to be captain of a golf team, you were reluctant to win your matchup this week. Your highest scorer was your kicker and you aren't going to play Andy every week. Your QB situation is, in a word, shit. Maybe present an offering to Jobu that Justin Fields comes back this week and is magically good again. Stranger things have happened.

Uncle Mooseknuckle vs. Travis My A$$ Hero - Winner: Travis My A$$ Hero

Blas, have I mentioned what a great guy you are? This man picked me first for his golf team, a painful mistake he would soon come to realize. Sadly your revenge tour has come to an end. However, just like your unfortunate carting accident, this wasn't really your fault. Your only error was starting Minnesota instead of KC, you just ran into a brutally high curb and it caused your entire fantasy matchup to tumble over. Well, boys you've finally done it, you've made a good team. Despite Herbert having a down week your team dominated with the 2nd highest score this week. You guys have an absolute glut of RBs and if Deebo comes back your team is doing to be downright spooky. Just like the 49s this week, you didn't lose.

Episode VI: The Return of the Cart Girl

I'll admit it, I was down bad for the cart girl. By the 7th hole, I was feeling parched and needed to wet my whistle and the boys came through. They stopped her just long enough for us to pull up and catch her at the tee box. Did I buy shots of whiskey for our group even though Josh had a pint of it? Yes. Did I sloppily get whiskey on my shirt trying to shoot it in front of her? Yes. Did I leave a tip on top of all this? Absolutely. A pathetic display, but I regret nothing! I even hit a decent shot off the tee that we ended up using. I was on top of the fucking world. How little did I know how hard I would crash down.

0.12 is how we DU(I) vs. John Wick's Dog - Winner: 0.12 is how we DU(I)

The DUI boys were out here like Auctioneers trying to trade with everyone. None of these offers were very good though, they were going after high-end goods like Kelce and Gibbs and were offering up Wish.com WRs. Not everyone is a sucker like me. They want you to believe they're Trader Joes, but in reality, they're Dollar Store Generals. All that being said they did win this week. They're better at football (and golf) then they are at bartering. This win had more to do with the other team. Josh is a real bro. Not only did he have whiskey on hand for the golf shitshow, he helped me up at my lowest point (on the ground). His team however was not so helpful. The Titans were a titanic-level failure and the tropical Tua couldn't handle the harsh German climate. You'll have the bye, but you'll need to make some changes to avoid the pound.

Champ Stamp vs. Discount Double Choke - Winner: Champ Stamp

Matty fucking blew it, shock of the year. Not even a 30-point effort from the Browns was enough to save your sorry excuse for a team. There's being a homer and then there's starting Gardner Minshew in the year of Lord 2023. I know he's a single good game this year, but that's not enough for confidence. You didn't see the Commish rolling out with Will Levis, did you? Fun fact Matty your entire team wouldn't have beaten his starters this week. Absolute skill issue. The Commish has been very faithful to CJ Stroud and Jobu blessed him for it with a 40 burger. With resurgent efforts from King Henry and Tee Higgins, this could be yet another C-Cup with the Commish in it. Your only weakness is an overreliance on the dumpster fire that is the Jets offense. Will Robert Saleh and Zach Wilson be the death of your team or will you once again rise to greatness? Only Jobu knows the future.

Episode V: Revenge of the Cart Path

Like any good ManChild, I was pretty fucked up by the 7th hole. After the adventures of our last episode, I rode off in the Millennium Falcon towards greatness. That greatness wouldn't last long. As I sped down the cart path towards the fairway I was cognisant of the people behind us, waiting. I was not cognisant however of the sharp turn and even sharper descent. In slow motion, I jerked the cart to the left to avoid going over the curb. The cart lurched to the left putting it at the perfect angle. I felt the wheels collide with the curb and watched as all the weight shifted to the right side. Everything began to rotate as the cart twisted over the curb and gravity guided it quickly towards the ground. My phone went flying, my drink went flying, my sunglasses, you guessed it, flying. I closed my eyes and heard a variety of CRASH! THUD! GROAN! SNAP! And when I looked up, Blas and I were on the ground, the cart was flipped over and the windshield was in the bushes. I carefully got up and managed to step on my sunglasses, causing many scratches on the lenses. The worst of it though was poor Blas got his leg injured from the bushes. He was a great sport though and got up with minor scratches. Remember friends, don’t drink and drive.

Worst Team

QB Herbert 8.5

RB Charbonnet 1.8

RB z. Moss 2.6

WR Dlowers 1.6

WR M. Thomas 0

FLEX Pickens 1

TE Higbee 0

K Butker 3

DEF Titans 0

TOTAL 16.9

I’m just here to drive greens, flick beans and

ALL HAIL MANCHILD